Saturday, January 20, 2007

Something my mom found...

I thought this was pretty good... it's kind of long but it's funny...

A lot of my friends are having kids these days, and are turning to me for advice, since I have one child and another on the way. I thought in the public interest I would make my wealth of knowledge available in the public domain. Here are a few things you can expect.

1. That thing you did to get in this situation? Your wife will deem it unnecessary anymore. It's best to know this going in.

2. Any dispute can be resolved with ice cream. This actually works to your advantage. Observe: Her: "When are you going to start working on the nursery?!" You: "Have a bowl of ice cream." Her: "You are the best husband ever!"

3. The "Do I look fat?" paradox multiplies by about a million. Everything we have been taught as men tells us to answer that question by saying no. However when your wife asks if she looks pregnant, you will be tempted to say no. The right answer is yes, because if you say no she will think you mean she always looks fat. Not good times.

4. For reasons science can't explain, your wife will begin confusing you for a Chinese man with the name William Yu. She will believe Mr. Yu is her personal slave. For example: "Will Yu get me a pillow." "Will Yu get me some ice cream." And so on and so forth.

5. A woman's ability to misinterpret things is also multiplied by a million when she is pregnant. Let's say your wife wakes up one morning and says, "We're buying carpet for the nursery today." You in turn say, "We are?" This will be interpreted to mean "I don't want to do that because there is a sports game that you could care less about on TV and that's more important than our child's room." Duck and cover.

6. TV exaggerates the cravings women have when they are pregnant. In my experience women don't want a pickles, peanut butter, and cheese sandwich. They want ice cream, at 3am. My wife wants cheeseburgers all the time. Again, this works to your advantage.

7. Crying is an acceptable reaction to all of the following: - Anything sad - Anything happy - Anything

8. If your wife starts wearing your clothes while she's pregnant, it may be time for a diet. But don't diet until the kid comes, because if you lose weight while she's gaining, you're mean.

9. There will be a baby shower. You will be there. You will fake being interested in getting baby bottles. you will not joke that the baby really needs a Nintendo Wii.

10. See Rule 1. Hopefully this will act as a handy users guide to expecting fathers. Good luck and God Speed.


Samantha said...

So funny! I can totally relate to the "Do I look fat." bit. My body image is suffering immeasurably. I know I'm supposed to be gaining weight, but I don't look pregnant yet, I just look chubby...and I hate it!